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Not knowing my way around, I was mugged in quick succession by:
- Some hoods in the airport bathroom
- Some hoods in the airport concourse
- A shoeshine boy
- Hare Krishnas
- The girl at the information counter, and
- Some hoods in the airport bathroom (I really had to go)
He directed me to an abandoned warehouse, which was quite difficult to find as Gotham City consists of nothing but Police Headquarters, Stately Wayne Manor and abandoned warehouses. Eventually I spotted a sign that read, "PUZZLY MCPUZZLETON'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE FACTORY???" and went inside.
The warehouse stank of stale urine and tears. There were three other minions playing "UNO" at a rickety card table, their hands shaking a little as they laid down the cards. The lieutenant introduced himself as "Query", with the other two named "Boggler" and "Feathers". Query explained that Feathers had recently been traded from a rival bird-themed gang and had yet to receive his new costume and nickname. The Gotham-style "henchman-swap" was much like the trading of groupies between rock bands, but with even less dignity.
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Query laid out our fiendish plan. "First, we detonate a series of mini-bombs hidden in the Gotham sewer system under police headquarters. This should keep the cops occupied if it doesn't just bring down the building entirely. Second, key government workers have been hypnotized and brainwashed over the course of several years, and with a single phone call they'll spring into action: raising bridges in strategic locations, changing traffic patterns by altering the schedules for stoplights and-"
"KAA-KAW!!!" Feathers screeched triumphantly, strutting chicken-like around the warehouse floor.
"Goddammit, cut that out, Feathers!" Query yelled. "I told you, we don't do that in this gang."
Feathers sheepishly shuffled back to the table, and over the next four hours Query explained our scheme in painstaking detail. I don't want to bore you with the details (plus I kinda nodded off a few minutes in) but in the end The Puzzler would rule Gotham, we'd all be rich beyond our wildest dreams, and the words "Catwoman", "naked" and "whipped cream" would be figuring prominently in our immediate futures. I have to say, I've heard quite a few dastardly plots in my time, but this was by far the most brilliant. It was almost entirely foolproof.
It was at this point that The Puzzler informed us that he had planted clues to our intentions in the form of puzzles all across the city. He gave clues in the newspaper, on the local TV news, on a radio call-in talk show, in the sky via bi-plane sky-writers, in carefully arranged seashells at the beach, in cryptic tattoos adorning patrons at local biker bars and on Commissioner Gordon's answering machines, both at home and at work.
We all stared at him in shock for a few long moments until finally Query spoke for us all. "You... you... you complete and utter dumbshi-"
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"Kaa... kaw?" Feathers offered placatingly, but to no avail. A second later his teeth were smashed into the back of his throat by a perfectly executed roundhouse kick. A lightning-fast backhand sent Query spinning off into some crates, his spine hopelessly shattered. A sharp uppercut aimed low rocketed Boggle's testicles up into his lungs.
I decided it was time to go.
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"Yes, Sister? What is it?"
She mugged me.
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