My new boss is someone I'll call "Doctor N". Blogs can be used as grounds for termination, so whenever I talk about my employers I'll be giving them pseudonyms.The Doctor is prety eccentric. He spent a million bucks on a fish tank and he enjoys wearing a water-cooler on his head.
Oh, and here's the really wild part: he has no hands! He's pretty sensitive about it, so when I was first introduced to him I tried to be as Politically Correct as I could. Luckily his Lieutenant, Professor Dent was there to help me over the rough spots:
Me: Doctor, I think it's just great that you've built this huge island lair, especially with you being crippled-
Professor Dent: (Clears throat)
Me: Ah... pardon me. Crippled-American.
Dent: (Clears throat louder)Me: No, that's not right. Differently something? Differently... differently crippled?
Dent: (Clears throat and begins loud coughing spasm)
Me: Er. How about just handicapped? Ew, shouldn't mention hands. Damn. Hand-challenged? No, hands again. Otherly-abled? digit-deficient? Stump-a-riffic?
Dent: (Pounds on the floor and violently shakes head from side to side)
Me: Anyhoo, thanks for hiring me, Doctor. I'll go familiarize myself with the neckular reactor while you turn around, stare out of your undersea window and sob quietly. I won't wave goodbye, I don't want to draw attention to your... well, you know. Or maybe you don't. I was going to say hands, or lack thereof.
Later, I asked one of the other lab boys why the Doctor was so sensitive about being a horrifically disfigured freak. His answer was cryptic, as we were wearing those plastic hood things and I couldn't hear a word he said. Later in the break-room I asked him again. He replied, "Once, the Doctor received a fortune cookie. The message inside read: 'YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS WILL BE YOUR UNDOING'."
"Wow, that's-"
"And on the other side it continued, '-WHEN JAMES BOND INVADES YOUR ISLAND LAIR AND LOWERS YOU INTO SOME WATER AND YOU CAN'T CLIMB OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR METAL HANDS'."
"-IN BED!!!" I added, laughing. "Pretty impressive fortune telling. Those Chinese are so clever. They're like clever little bugs, really. Clever, slimy, commie bugs."
"Doctor N is half-Chinese."
"Ah... well, hey, that's cool..."
"And I'm Chinese," he added. "And everyone working here is Chinese."
I noticed that everyone in the break room was now staring at me. The moment stretched out, the silence growing unbearable until I yelled, "IN BED!!!"
The next morning I was recuperating on the beach, nursing my wounds from the little hazing incident in the break room, when a vision of loveliness rose from the sea. At first I thought it was Hally Berry, but then I saw she had a speck of acting ability. Her name was Honey Wilder, and the moment I saw her I fell deeply in love. Her hair... her eyes... her lips... all these things threatened to distract me from her breasts, and failed. Then right as I was going to make my move, some sweaty English guy pulls up in a boat and acts like he's got a license to cockblock.I needled him, "So you're English, huh? Then why are you speaking with a Scottish accent? What are you, some kind of spy?" He got this weird, panicked look on his face for some reason, then we both settled down and found common ground by staring at Honey's breasts.
After a couple of hours of this I gave them directions to Doctor N's lair (James said he needed a bathroom) and sent them both on their way. Later, in a completely unrelated incident, the island blew up.
I floated away on some driftwood- using a pair of scavenged, shattered, metal hands as paddles- and made my way to the mainland.
P.S. There was a dragon, too! Or so I thought at first glance, but then after .00000001 seconds I realized it was actually a tank with a flamethrower. Still cool, though.
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